Bitter Beauty: Orange & Brown Nails

Smells Like Team Spirit. And Formaldehyde. 

I've been hunting for the right shades of brown and orange for some time. I found my orange around Halloween (no surprise there) but I finally found the perfect Browns brown today - it's from Revlon's brand new Top Speed Nail Enamel line.

Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear Sun Kissed

(Courtesy of http://thenailtress.blogspot.com)

Revlon Top Speed Nail Enamel in Espresso

It may look black here, but it is actually a perfect matte, cool Brown shade and did dry super fast. It seems to have great staying power. The only place I've seen it so far is CVS in the new cosmetic products area.


How apropos that the season ends on Sunday. Well, at least I'll have them for next year. Along with my hopes and dreams of the playoffs and beyond.

***

The Bitterness of Youth

This is from my hilarious Facebook friend Niki, whose updates about the silly things her kids say and do crack me up every single day. Her daughter Melana is six. She is very wise and bitter beyond her years!   

*Click on the image to read it clearly*

When I asked permission to use this thread, Niki gave this response with a special request from Melana:

Kristen, That would be awesome! We wouldn't mind at all. But just in case the Browns read your blog, could you be sure to add that Melana is sure they are all really nice guys and she knows they aren't trying to stink on purpose? She doesn't want to hurt their feelings after all ;-)

***

Cleveland's Baddest Bad Guys Pt. 1

In honor of one Mr. LeBron James' return to his old quitting grounds on December 2, I was asked to participate in a Crain's Cleveland Business poll about the ten most reviled sports figures in Cleveland history. I did a lot of thinking about this and here is the list I turned in - with explanations for you, our dear Bitter readers.

 

10. Braylon Edwards 
Drops it like it's hot...or cold......or room temp
The newest villain on our radar. I think this rivalry is only in its infancy. Braylon makes no secret that he hates us and wants to show up the Browns and their fans at any chance he gets. And the hatred is more than mutual. The Jets may be knocking at the door of the promised land. The Browns sometimes seem to be getting their act together and could be making a playoff run (fingers crossed!) in the near future. These teams may play each other in a few life-and-death AFC playoff games. You better believe that BE will be running his mouth. And hopefully dropping passes too.

9. The Dolans & Mark Shapiro  
Cheapos & the Man
You're supposed to be working toward building a team to excite the fans, win, and then reap the financial rewards. Not to trade away Cy Young winners and become perpetual basement dwellers because of money woes. If that's the case, the D's should sell the team to deeper pockets. As long as they own the team, I wouldn't expect anything close to a contender. How sad for our passionate Tribe fans. But how fantastic that we have Snow Days! Who cares about your crappy team when it's winter and people can go on the Batterhorn! Could anything be cooler? Perhaps a team that actually wins.

Graphic design by Willy Wonka

I've met Paul Dolan. And must admit that sadly, my bitter Cleveland sports fan heart was charmed a teeny tiny bit by his self-effacing humor about his terrible team as well as his elf-like stature (traditional elf, not Buddy). But I snapped out of it and went right back to being a H8R.

8.  Frank Lane
I realllly hate talking about the Indians....
This guy probably needs no explanation. In 1960, Indians GM "Trader" Lane traded away 1959 home run champ Rocky Colavito which led to the infamous Curse wherein the Indians perpetually suck and when they have seemingly broken the curse, they still manage to lose in epic fashion. Need proof? See the 1995 World Series Game 7, 9th inning and my would-be villain #11, José Ramón Nova Mesa.

Thankfully for the Dolans, the Curse does not seem to have anything to do with cashing in on wintertime outdoor events!

7.  Albert Belle
"Cork"-y St. Clair

 

This guy was a total jerk when he was here. And before, I'm sure. I'm not going to try to explain away his numerable character flaws. What drives me absolutely nuts about Belle is why such a gifted athlete who was so studious about his sport (he reportedly kept notebooks about every pitcher he faced) felt the need to cork his bat. Was he that insecure about his abilities? And after being caught, he sent accomplice Jason Grimsley through the a/c ducts of Comiskey Park on a mission to retrieve the confiscated bat and replace it with a non-corked one. If that's not villainy in action, I don't know what is. Belle was deservedly named one of ESPN's top cheaters in sports. And what a surprise - he's still a jerk!

6.  Ted Stepien  
Did not Rule.
These two words could explain it all: Pittsburgh native
But they are only the beginning of the story.

During the former Cavalier owner's tenure (1980-1983), he managed to:
- Employ five different head coaches, including future Hall of Famer Chuck Daly.
- Lose an NBA record 24 straight games. (Hey, maybe the 2010/11 Cavs will break that - Ted's ghost can only hope!)
- Threaten to move the team to Toronto. And call them the Towers - that's a sillier name than the Raptors.
- Fire future Hall of Fame announcer Joe Tait.
- "Boast" a combined record of 66-180.
- Average 3,900 fans per game at the Richfield Coliseum (which had a 20,000 seat capacity).
- Be called the owner of the "worst and most poorly-run franchise in all of basketball" by the NY Times.
- Report losses of $15 million, which in 2010 numbers is like $489 billion, if my calculations* are correct.

*I didn't do any calculations. I barely know what math is.

Stepien is also the man behind the "Ted Stepien Rule," forbidding teams from trading away consecutive first-round draft selections - genius!


No comments about you-know-who or the other you-know-who. You can bet they will be in Pt. 2

Browns Memories of Carol

Yesterday was my cousin Carol's birthday. Since she passed away over 14 years ago, she was not here to enjoy it, or any of the Browns season. You see, Carol was a big fan as well. She would not only hold Christmas parties at her house but Browns playoff get-togethers back in the day. One year the Browns and Christmas collided as they played a Monday night game on Christmas. We all stayed at Carol's house until the game was over, even though many of our relatives had to be at work early the next day. It was almost like a double holiday!

Carol's house was always the place to be no matter the occasion. Since her birthday was so close to Christmas, she loved the season and went all out. She would take off time from her job at NASA every year so she could enjoy the holiday season. Most of her vacation time was used from Thanksgiving to New Year's...she would use what was left for a few days off here and there the rest of the year. Christmas was HER time. She always knew the perfect gifts for everyone and loved picking out something special for each person on her list. In her living room was the traditional Christmas tree, while in her family room was her Victorian tree in shades of blue and white. Martha Stewart would have looked like a wimp compared to her. She was truly "Christmas Carol".

I couldn't help but think yesterday as I watched the game how when a player was down she would tease, "OK, scrape him off the field and let's get back to the game!" She would have described the game against the Bengals as sad and pathetic...and she would have been right on. She was often at our house for the games too, and it was always more fun watching when Carol was there.

So Happy Birthday to my dear cousin, who was really more like a sister to me. I know she is celebrating in heaven, and also thrilled that Neil Diamond will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He was her favorite singer, and she would at least have had that to be happy about as the Browns lost to a team they should have beaten easily. Love you, Sweet Carol(ine)!

Presidential

Proof that it was Mike Holmgren's destiny 

to be president...

 

 a hundred years or so ago. 

I'm not much of a history buff, but I'm not unsure that Cleveland and Taft were not the same person.

#conspiracytheory

What a difference the quarterback makes

There’s a reason the quarterback was always the most popular guy in high school. They are natural leaders, the command the field – and the hallways. Accept when they aren’t. And that’s what Jake Delhomme is. I had high hopes for him, and he has let me – and all fans – down.

Maybe it’s because Colt McCoy and Seneca Wallace both gave us a taste of good quarterback? But the last two games where it’s been all Delhomme in the pocket, it has been painful to watch. Risks Colt may have been more willing to take (like running the ball to gain a few yards instead of throwing it away) found Delhomme stalling dangerously close to being sacked.

I understand that Colt McCoy is injured, so I can accept him being sidelined. He needs to heal so he can be our team’s future leader. But I miss watching him play.

But what I don’t understand is what happened to Seneca? He’s no longer listed as injured, so why didn’t he get any playing time while Delhomme was falling apart – and the offense fell with him?

So, what’s your theory? Why did Delhomme keep playing? And yet, I’m reading Delhomme will start against the Bungles if McCoy isn’t well enough to play.

Ugh – Get it together. Give the fans the quarterback they deserve – we’re the best fans in the sport, and deserve a team worth watching.

Browns beat up Packers; My dad beats up hippie

12.7.69 - A Day that will live in Infamy. 
And Hilarity.

In honor of Pearl Harbor Day, a funny story from my family. Starring my dad, the misguided patriotic thug.

 

My dad's brother, my Uncle Jim, who told this tale, prefaced it by saying that when he was growing up, my dad was his hero. My dad is the oldest of 5 and is almost 16 years older than Jim, the youngest. 

Uncle Jim was 13 when this happened...

On Pearl Harbor Day 1969, my dad, Uncle Jim and two of their uncles were at a Browns game at Municipal Stadium, sitting in the bleachers (pre-Dawg Pound era, natch). Throughout the game, an obnoxious guy sitting nearby was waving a Japanese flag. Some long-haired hippie - my dad and uncle agreed - in an army jacket. 

Hmmm....

After the Blanton Collier-led Browns won 20-7, they were walking back to the car when lucky for them, out of the 80,000 at the game, they saw the hippie with the flag.

Hippies Beware

Fueled by four quarters of watching the guy swinging around a Japanese flag on Pearl Harbor Day (and undoubtedly by a few beers as well), my dad went after the guy, ripping off the back of his jacket so he was left wearing just the sleeves. Then my dad punched him in the face, yelling that he had uncles who fought in that war. (My great-Uncle Frank, who was with them that day, was one of the uncles - but my dad was the one who felt the need to pick a fight. Uncle Frank had already battled the Germans.)

My great-uncles piled their blankets and coolers into Jim's arms as they went after my dad in an attempt to subdue him and get out of the area before someone called the cops. 

Ironically, my great-Uncle Adam, who was also there, was a Cleveland cop. ('Superbad' flashback, anyone? - Warning: not safe for work)

As this was going down, my 13 year old uncle thought that he was witnessing the coolest thing ever.

Uncle Jim thought it would be better to embellish the story and saying the Browns were playing the Steelers, since he didn't remember who their opponent was that day. I did some research and discovered it was Green Bay - someone was selling this Browns 1969 season card on ebay.

The Browns went 10-3-1 in the '69 season

I'm struck by how a stadium full of people wanted a piece of the clown who came to an Indians game in a Heat #6 jersey, but out of 80,000 people at the Browns game, only my dad was "patriotic" enough to beat up the hippie. If you know my dad...heck, even if you know me, you will understand! (Except I want to beat up bandwagon St##lers fans. And Brett Favre. And Phil Collins. Such a hater I am! I also talk like Yoda sometimes for absolutely no reason.)

The *other* Heat douchebag

***

My Uncle Jim is now a retired Cleveland cop, having spent many years as a homicide detective. He still thinks the incident was cool.

And to my knowledge, my dad stopped kicking long-haired hippie ass shortly thereafter. Now he just wants to kick the Browns' ass every once in awhile. Just like the rest of us. 

Kristen Kaleal is a professional wardrobe consultant and founder of Bitter Orange & Brown. When she isn't cleaning out other people's closets or spending other people's money, she avoids bowling, the treadmill and wheat products. 

Follow Kristen on Twitter: @BitterKK

12.7.11

!!!UPDATE!!!

I just mentioned to my mom that Pearl Harbor Day means one thing - republishing the dad/hippie story. To which she replied: "And I had to witness it!" 


No one ever told me she was there. Even though she was there when I first heard this story. 

That will be a follow-up interview. 


It's like interviewing the last remaining survivors of WWII. Or the handful of people who remember the last Browns championship.

Pass the Xanax. It's Browns Sunday!!!

I'm not typically an anxious person and not usually prone to undue worry. But sometimes I feel like the Browns' Jewish mother.

I worry. And I kvetch.

Each week, a kind of panic about the coming game sets in around Thursday - wondering what kind of anxiety attacks or cardiac episodes we're in for on Sunday in this wild season of highs and lows.

Here are a few that entered my mind this week:

I'm afraid of having to survive another game like the Jets or Carolina. 
Losing a game in OT we easily could have won - or winning because of the other team's missed FG. Both of which made me go out on the deck and pace. Now it's covered in snow. And cold. I'm not going out there. So I'll just have to pace a hole into the kitchen floor for the remainder of the season, I suppose.

Seeing Bernie Bernie sitting with Josh Cribbs at the Cavs vs. LBJ game...

  - I worry about Cribbs' toesies - he's in the lineup for today. Let's hope he's feeling good and makes some key plays.

  - And I wonder how Bernie was getting home that night. Was Cribbs his DD? (Are 'Bernie is drunk' jokes unfunny yet? If not, I will keep making them. And if they are, I will still keep making them.)

Chez Kosar*

(*Just kidding. But seriously, folks, he's an "independent home consultant" for Longaberger Baskets. Is that one multi-level marketing step above "Tupperware Lady"? I can only assume he lives in their giant basket HQ in Newark, OH much like a Keebler Elf lives in a tree.)

I realized it has been months since I've seen Mike Holmgren.
And even then it was this blurry Zapruder-like pic from @photowolf. Has he turned into the Great and Powerful Oz, hiding behind a curtain? Has he gone back to his other career of promoting wholesome Quaker Oats and diabeetus supplies?

Holmgren enters the hotel in Baltimore to hysterical fans waiting in the lobby.
Holmania ensues.

I always fear the announcement of the starting QB.
This is a learned response I began having last season during the BQ-DA quarterback war to see who would suck less each week. I was pretty sure Delhomme would get the start this week in Miami. And he is. Further angst. Bye bye fingernails. Helloooo interceptions!

I'm worried about Peyton Hillis getting hurt leaping over people.
He's too big to do that! The physics are not in his favor. Not that I ever took a physics class - but was one class short of a chemistry minor. So maybe I'm more qualified to determine whether he will spontaneously combust. He IS pretty hot. Heehee. (Sorry for reminding you, Bitter reader, that I am a tween girl and PH is Justin Bieber.)

I dread the calls for Mangini to be fired.
Even if it's a near-win, the day after a stressful game inevitably brings people in our Twitter feed calling for his head. I also fear that Eric is becoming manorexic and should pass that tapeworm already. Is it just me or is he disappearing before our eyes this season? Perhaps he has taken some Bitter Orange?

Kristen Kaleal is a professional wardrobe consultant and founder of Bitter Orange & Brown. When she isn't cleaning out other people's closets or spending other people's money, she makes up fake relatives for Browns coaches and feeds them snacks. And she's not Jewish. Or a mother.

Follow Kristen on Twitter: @kristenkaleal

The Art (Not Modell) of the Touchdown Celebration

These may be the coolest gloves ever.



Ohio State drubbed Michigan last Saturday 37-7, and did so in style in Nike's Pro Combat alternate uniforms designed for OSU. The "Vapor Jet" gloves reveal a block "O" when the index fingers and thumbs are brought together after, say, a touchdown. Exhibits A, B, and C below.

Exhibit A



Exhibit B



Exhibit C



All three "uses of the gloves" resulted in unsportsmanlike penalties. Really? You can't celebrate after you score a touchdown? I agree there is a line when that call should be made, but not for that. A touchdown is an achievement. A cause for celebration. Not excessive celebration, but if Nike designed some super sweet gloves that form an "O" for OSU when a player puts his hands together, then flaunt 'em!

So if you can't do that, does that mean Peyton Hillis can't do this?



Or this?



Here in the world of Ohio sports, we have few reasons to celebrate. We have to celebrate when the opportunity presents itself, whether it be a single touchdown or a Michigan beat down.

This public service announcement brought to you by:




OSU photo credit: Dr. Saturday