It's The Great Pumpkin, Cleveland Browns (Complete With Costumes!)

Trick or treat?



Wait a minute...is that a trick question???





It was really cute how the Browns dressed up as football players today to celebrate Halloween. (Well, all except for Hillis...whose agent and new wifey didn't want him to get hurt. Party poopers!) They almost had me fooled - until the game started.

Colt McCoy took the field and proved that he is suffering from PD - Projectile Dysfunction. There's no little blue pill in the world that can help him with that. We weren't even a minute into the game before the first turnover. (At least God & Mother Nature took mercy on us, sparing us from the snowstorm because they felt bad that we already have the Browns to deal with.) So glad I went outside, enjoyed the sunshine, and got my workout in before the game. It didn't take the Browns long to ruin the afternoon for me and the rest of the city. If it weren't for Phil Dawson, we would have been scoreless in the first half.

Charlie Brown would have more success while having Lucy hold the football for him. And we all know how THAT ends. Of course, I can now wear my favorite Peanuts shirt for the games:

Near the end of the 3rd quarter, things began to look up. But it didn't last long. The drive that looked like it could produce a touchdown instead produced an interception in the end zone. The following drive, which also could have been a possible treat, turned into a trick and the Browns failed to get any points out of it. Even with a touchdown in the 4th, penalties and sacks completed our misery. Most of the time our team didn't even look like they cared.

I just may go Cheesehead with Bitter AK this year. I also always root for the Browns, but I need someone to cheer that won't always cause major depression. I'll bet that every Monday our local doctors' offices are filled with people who want a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. Not for everyday use, mind you...just for game days. I'm sure we could all go trick-or-treating to Conrad Murray's house, since he hands out medication like candy anyway.

Oh, and as for the infamous Cheesebra? Once I get to my goal weight, I may just don one. Maybe People magazine would like to put that on their cover. Kirstie Alley & Valerie Bertinelli...eat your hearts out!

Marie Cauley, AKA BitterChickMC, has decided that she will do an extra workout tonight after all. Does anyone have a punching bag handy? Let's dress it up as a Cleveland Brown for Halloween. Guaranteed motivation!

'Stache Infection

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY MUSTACHE! 

(Not that there's anything wrong with it.)

Confidential to the Browns' D:

Don't make these posts so easy for me. I like a challenge. 
Make me work for it. Don't throw material squarely in my lap. It breeds complacency.

This past week, Browns' offensive tackle Tony Pashos tweeted this picture, stating that members of the defense had grown "Strictly Ballroom Business" mustaches as an outward symbol of their new philosophy.

(Clearly this infectious "growth" is spreading to the offense as well.)

(From L-R) LB D'Qwell Jackson, OT Joe Thomas, 

OT Tony Pashos, LB Chris Gocong and LB Scott Fujita

This brought two questions to mind:

1) If their playing is "strictly business" for the seventh game of the season, what has it been up until now? A game of Hungry Hungry Hippos? Has Dick Jauron been coaching them at beer pong??

2) And what's up with the timing? They just so happened to decide to grow mustaches for the game they are playing IN SAN FRANCISCO? Was there an alternate reason there?? 

<<< ahem >>>

After mentioning mustaches over and over on this blog (usually related to Prez Holmgren), you would just know that when non-Holmgren mustaches became a REAL topic of conversation, I would be all over it like hair on Burt Reynolds' upper lip.

In lieu of a "real" post (do I ever write "real" posts?), here are a few of my favorite mustaches of all time.

Remember when Monica was dating Tom Selleck (Richard) on Friends? Chandler started hanging out with him, thought he was super suave and started growing a mustache. This look is still funny to me after 15 years. I am easily amused.

"Nice mustache, by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in" -Richard 

Cuervo 1800 pitch guy Michael Imperioli was on the spectacular one-season (intentionally) ABC series Life on Mars, a remake of the BBC show of the same name. I forget his character's name - I just called him Detective Mustache. It's disappointing to see the clean-shaven version of him in the Cuervo commercials or while watching reruns of The Sopranos because I think he looked so awesome with the modified 70's Fu Manchu.

Another TV cop... 
The streets of Reno haven't been the same since the cancellation of Reno 911!.

Lt. Jim Dangle: Facial Hair Icon

If Colt McCoy ever wants to become #StrictlyBusiness like his offensive lineman buddies (instead of playing Hungry Hungry Hippos like in the last couple of games), we are delighted to share with you what he would look like:

Colt and one of Reno's (other) mustachioed finest, Deputy Frank Rizzo (Joe Lo Truglio).

And if you haven't had enough good gut-busting laughs today...
Watch this clip from the weird, weird world of World Wrestling Entertainment.

WWE Wrestler Confused by Own Mustache

 

CONCLUSION:

The Browns may not be very good, but at least they know 

whether they have mustaches or not. 

A Bitter Cheesehead Halloween

The inspiration for this year's Halloween costume came during Week 5, when I watched the Green Bay Packers beat the Atlanta Falcons. Before a commercial break the camera panned to a fan in the same pose as the dude in the middle in the photo below, except he wore a jersey.

I thought, I could be a Cheesehead, and my Bitter Cheesehead Halloween costume was born. I set to work collecting the components.

I have a lot of rules about Halloween costumes. I like to be comfortable. I like to be warm. I hate masks. I don't like a ton of face paint (as in all over my face). Props annoy me. They get in the way of things like drinking.

I also don't like to spend a lot of money on things I only wear one time. So if I can, I purchase an article of clothing for my costume I'll be able to wear after Halloween.

So it goes with the Bitter Cheesehead, as I found this long-sleeved tee from Football Fanatics:

Obviously, I had to buy the Cheesehead hat (which I could potentially wear a second time for the Super Bowl). I found it at Shopko.

Of course, many fanatical football fan who takes the dress code up a notch for games (did you see Captain Cleveland last Sunday?) do up their faces and bodies with face paint. Like I said, I like a little face paint, and I'm also a horrible artist, so I found this Green Bay Packers face painting kit complete with stencils from SportsFanfare.

Because we Bitter Chicks love makeup so much, I of course had to purchase some cosmetics for my Halloween costume. I can always wear those again.

For my eyes, I found Maybelline EyeStudio Color Pearls Marbelized eyeshadow in Ivy Icon.

For eyeliner, I found Wet n Wild Coloricon in green for 50 cents at Marc's!

Just for fun, I decided to paint my nails green with Maybelline Express Finish nail polish in Be Scene in Green.

I added a coat of Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear nail color in Set the Stage.

Sorry people, no cheesebra.

Now you might be wondering why I chose to be a Cheesehead rather than a Dawg Pound Girl.

You tell me.

Who would you rather be?

This guy?

Or this guy?

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not defecting on the Browns. But the Packers have been my second favorite team since I started watching football with my dad and brother as a young girl. If the Browns played the Packers, I rooted for the Browns. The Browns have even beat the Packers a time or two.

If the Packers played any other team, I rooted for the Packers. I was a huge Brett Farve fan (sorry, Bitter KK!).

I love how the city owns their team, so it can't be up to one person to move it to another city nowhere near Wisconsin. Like Baltimore, for example, if they didn't already have a team.

I've been to Wisonsin twice (drove there twice in two weeks). I love how people from Wisconsin talk. Like they're almost from Canada.

I love cheese.

I can't help it. I loved that the Packers beat the St##lers in the Super Bowl last year and if they went again this year I wouldn't be upset (break out the cheese hat!).

I also think it's worth mentioning that a coworker loaned me a copy of Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, M.D. I received the cheese hat about a week before I wore my Halloween costume, and mid-week it suddenly occurred to me that there was a huge foam wedge of cheese sitting in the same room as this book.

What do you make this, PsychiKK? 

Here's my finished Halloween costume:



I ended up doing simple stripes instead of the stencils because even with the stencils, I'm a horrible artist.

When we arrived at the Halloween party, I was surprised to find a fellow Cheesehead, my friend Eric.

Eric's Cheesehead hat was an original, and has been worn to two Packers games. Mine was not an original, but it was also a lot lighter (I was concerned when I re-read Bitter Chick MC's Cheesebra post and she wrote about how heavy the Cheesehead is). It was even comfortable, and warm (satisfying yet another Halloween costume requirement).

I had a couple conversations with people about being a Packers fan. One party-goer, who like me loves both the Browns and the Packers, said, "I'd rather wear a big piece of cheese on my head than a bone."

See? I'm not the only one.

Happy Halloween from the Bitter Chicks, and go Browns!

Photo credit, Cheesehead fan one: Bleacher Report

Photo credit, Green Bay Packers shirt: Football Fanatics

Photo credit, Cheesehead hat: Shopko

Photo credit, Green Pay Packers face painting kit: SportsFanfare

Photo credit, eyeshadow: Maybelline.com

Photo credit, eyeliner: Walgreens.com

Photo credit, green nail polish: A Beautiful Secret

Photo credit, gold glitter nail polish: A Beautiful Secret

Photo credit, Packer fan two: The Western Sun

Photo credit, Dawg Pound Mike: The Cleveland Leader

Horizontal stripes aren't flattering, Dr. Dre

Today I realized the top I'm wearing in my current Facebook profile pic looks oddly familiar.

I made fun of early 90's era Dr. Dre for his outfit in my recent post Straight Outta Oakland, but I realized here that all I really need is a Raiders baseball cap and scary "I'm gonna shoot you or at least rap at you violently" scowl and I would have instant West Coast gangsta rapper street cred - just like Dre.

 hmmm...maybe I should use that to my advantage...

Anyhoo, I never wear black and white OR horizontal stripes, so this outfit was a fluke. Also, it's black with a little yellow which reminds me a little of a team I hate more than anything.

At this point, I think I've lost my mind and need a drink. Bitter Orange & Brown has been getting far too real for me lately.

Boogie Mikes

Question: 
Where is the last place on earth

you would ever expect to see

Mike Holmgren?

If you said in a donut shop, you would be sadly mistaken. Clearly, I said the LAST place on earth.

BUT

If you said in a donut shop in an Oscar-nominated movie about the porn industry, you would be RIGHT and you get an A++ in where you would never expect to see Mike Holmgren.

Wednesday night's insomnia led me to late night channel surfing. I ran across one of my favorite movies, Boogie Nights. It's one of the ones I've seen so many times I had to declare a several year moratorium on watching so it's sort of "new" to me again. 

I happened to tune in during the last few scenes. I tend to lose interest for the last third when things aren't so great for Dirk and the gang. I like the good ol' "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" happy porn times. I don't like the "Sister Christian" drugs and crime aftermath (link is NSFW).

So maybe that's why I don't remember "Mike Holmgren" and his sexy gray mustache being in the movie at all.

He's in the scene where Don Cheadle ("Buck") goes into the donut shop and an armed robbery breaks out around him.

 

WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. 

Because people in your office have never heard bad words 

or seen movie violence before.

So naturally, I had to find out who this actor is and rule out "young" Wilford Brimley. Just in case. Because wouldn't that be hysterical?

His name is Allan Graf and if you look at his IMDB page, you will notice that he's been a stuntman in movies. Yeah, seriously. Well, his doppelgänger Mike Holmgren was once a quarterback. So go figure.

Then I wondered (and then had to immediately scrub my brain with scouring pads and bleach at the mere thought) what Mike Holmgren's porn stage name would have been if he were in that industry as a young stud. Since Dirk Diggler was taken, of course.

I'm pretty sure it would have been  

HARRY HOLMGUN

See, cuz his upper lip is hairy and he has a gun! 

What did you think I meant?!

And hey, it *was* the 70's if you know what I mean.

I also put his name into this Porn Star Name Generator and came up with 

DON QUICKIE.

Hahahahahaha. 

Poor Mike. I mean Harry. Or Don. 

 I tease him mercilessly.

But from my vantage point, at least I usually write about anything but the team. 

Because right now, we're living the "Sister Christian" years. And it isn't pretty.

So what's YOUR porn star name?

Any Orange & Brown Will Do

The Browns loss to the Raiders last Sunday, a study in embarrassment, added to the bitter black cloud that surrounds our team this season (it may be a perpetual cloud, but this season it seems extra thick). You thought three high ankle sprains last season were bad? How about:

• Peyton Hillis drama (please don't get me started on Madden, which may be coming later if it has to)
• Marcus Benard's motorcycle accident
• Scott Fujita's concussion (no no NO he's my favorite!)
• More injuries and illnesses: Joe Haden, Artis Hicks, Alex Mack, Tony Pashos, Ray Ventrone

I could go on, but I won't. Instead, in order to divert attention away from the Browns and their woes, I will tell you my own embarrassing Cleveland Browns story.

On Friday, January 15, 1988, two days before The Fumble and my embarrassing temper tantrum, my third grade class had show and tell. In addition, my teacher, Mrs. Popp, told us to wear "Browns colors."

At nine years old, I didn't own any sports gear. I hadn't hit my tomboyish stage of wearing baggy sweatshirts and baseball caps. I also didn't own anything completely orange or brown back then either. That Friday, I decided to wear a matched set, a yellow shirt and pants with orange polka dots (remember, it was the 80s!). It looked something like this:

But with sleeves.

Then I added a brown wooden pin shaped like a cat (not a Wampus Cat) my beloved Aunt Joni gave to me. I wish I still had it, but it looked something like this:

So I had orange polka dots and a brown pin. I had my Browns colors on and I went to school.

That Friday before The Fumble, my turn came for show and tell, and I stood before my third grade class, so proud in my stylish outfit with its orange and brown accents.

*Allow me to digress just a bit. My full name is Alanna Joy, and my parents decided to call me by my initials, A.J., when I was born, and many people still call me A.J. (and some other people call me Bitter AK). I liked to be called A.J. because it was so easy, it seemed like none of my teachers could pronounce Alanna, and I hated correcting them (and I didn't like the name Alanna).

This wasn't much of a problem until third grade. God bless Mrs. Popp, as she was one of my all-time favorites. But she refused to call me A.J., and she didn't pronounce Alanna correctly no matter how many times I told her, so I gave up.

She pronounced "Alanna" like it rhymes with "banana." My classmates, who I'd been through school with since preschool, knew how to pronounce my given name but started saying it like our teacher to tease me.

This will be important later.

*End digression

I don't even remember what I showed or told at show and tell, because when I finished Mrs. Popp said, "Alanna," (banana), "where's your Browns gear?"

"You mean my colors?" I said.

I pointed, with confidence, mind you, to my orange polka dots and said, "Here."

Then I pointed to my brown cat pin and said, "And here."

The entire class started laughing. Red now accompanied my outfit, in my cheeks. My eyes may even have filled with tears as I was informed by one of my classmates, who shall remain nameless, "You were supposed to wear Browns clothes, not Browns colors!"

I felt stupid, like my creativity in putting together this outfit with Browns colors didn't even count, because I didn't do it right. I'm pretty sure I was the only one that day in non-NFL-licensed apparel.

I also felt incredibly stupid because I had completely misunderstood my teacher. It hadn't even occurred to me to ask my dad, who I would watch all Browns games with until 1995, to borrow a Browns hat or a t-shirt, which I know he would have gladly loaned me. I had really thought Mrs. Popp meant Browns colors. And I hadn't realized I was the only one without official Browns gear on until it was pointed out to me in front of my whole class.

As I was figuring all this out, my classmate added, "You're wearing yellow, you look like a banana. Alanna Banana!"

Then Earnest Byner fumbled the ball on Sunday.

And from then on, for the rest of the 1988 school year, I was called Alanna Banana.

For a nine-year-old, a rather awful weekend. And the beginning of a love/hate affair with the Cleveland Browns (and Cavs, and Indians).

Now, I realize I don't think like other people, and that's ok. That's even cool. Maybe it's because I'm a writer (I write for this zany blog, after all), but I march to the beat of my own drummer (or as Bitter KK would say, "the click-clacky sound of my own stilettos," except I don't wear stilettos because of the threat of bodily harm they pose me), even though it's often uncomfortable, if not downright embarrassing, not to follow the norm.

Now, I would tell my third grade class, "Any orange and brown will do!"

Although I do enjoy my Browns gear nowadays.

But sometimes, I'm too embarrassed to wear it.

I hope that's not the case this week. Don't make me break out my orange polka dots and brown cat pin.

Go Browns!

Photo credit, polka dot shirt: Alibaba.com

Photo credit, cat pin: Baubles-and-Bibelots.com

There's an app for Pat

It started innocently enough.

I've been waiting patiently for my iPhone 4S to ship. I've been iPhone-less for four weeks since my old one died a quick but sad death. I have a crappy interim phone. My brain is ready to explode.

Then my former paramour and (past and) current evil nemesis, the Cleveland Browns, lost their last two games quite egregiously.

Utterly disgusted, this was my Facebook status update this past week: 

If my iPhone 4S does not ship soon, I am going to strangle somebody. That somebody may or may not be Browns coach Pat Shurmur. But it probably will be.

And that was when I realized I was onto something...

I don't know about you, but I'm the kind of person who takes out my frustrations with daily life by flinging royally pissed off cartoon birds at green cartoon pigs.

And I take out my aggravation with the Cleveland Browns on this blog.

But I realized that not everyone has such an outlet for their weekly 

Browns-related annoyance. And that's why I decided 

to do something about it. 

!!!!! GET READY FOR A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT !!!!!

Bitter Orange & Brown is thrilled and excited to bring 

you the next great smartphone gaming sensation!!!

If you crave the fake violence of Angry Birds while suffering the  
punishing despair of being a Browns fan, you will LOVE...

NOW Er, NOT AVAILABLE IN THE iTUNES STORE!

DISCLAIMER:

Of course, I realize we have an inexperienced first year coach and he is at the helm of a team that is sorely lacking talent in some key areas. But still, I feel like (actually, I KNOW that) we have been regressing from where the team ended last season. And whether it is or not, I feel like a lot of that is on Shurmur's shoulders.

Yes, I felt a little guilty when I heard Holmgren say Shurmur feels terrible and is actually beating himself up a lot over the beginning of the season. But we're bitter and sarcastic about the Browns. A tiger doesn't change its spots. Er, stripes. Or whatever the saying is.

This past week wasn't good for the team, the coaches or the fans (or for tigers, for that matter) and the faster we can put it behind all of us, the better off we all will be. Soooo.....

GO BROWNS!!!

Or we'll make more fake apps to fake beat you up.

It's Hammer Time, PsychiKK! But you already knew that...

I used to write the silliest, most ridiculous stuff on this blog. It became my never-fail cure for writer's block. I would let my imagination would run wild like the animals in Zanesville - at the Browns' expense, of course - and concepts like Bernie Kosar living in a giant picnic basket would somehow seem normal and even expected if you are a regular reader of my posts. 
 
I still write those same silly things. But now the Bitter Chicks and I know to lie in wait. (Ironically, much like the wildlife officials sent to kill the aforementioned Zanesville animals...clearly that whole scenario is bothering the heck out of me.) But anyway...

Crazy things usually happen around my wackiest Bitter posts if we just give it a day or two.

Whether it's being followed around by Mary Kay party invitations, the entire team getting stuck in the mud (DON'T tell them it was my fault), or Marvin Hamlisch mysteriously making an appearance in Cleveland, weird stuff always seems to happen that involves the Bitter post I just wrote.

This past weekend's rambling was about Raiders fans and people from Oakland. Well, I should correct that to *person* from Oakland because I could only think of one: MC Hammer.

I wasn't online for a couple of days and I returned to learn that he was trending on Twitter yesterday.

And to Hammer, I must say,  

You're Welcome.

I know you've wanted some attention since you haven't had a hit since uhhh, was the Addams Family song considered a hit??

Upon doing some digging on why ol' Hammer came out from the rock he usually hides under, I found the following:


MC Hammer launches legit search engine


Legit. Haha! Get it? 


Plays on words involving MC Hammer thrill and delight me as if it were still 1993. Clearly because I haven't matured since then.

If Hammer needs anything, it's most certainly to earn more money to piss away on racehorses and stupid pants. I hope he finds a responsible financial planner this time.

And I hope the Bitter Chicks win the lottery. Because if I keep saying it on here, maybe we'll finally decide to buy some tickets and split the winnings.

But in a stunning and ironic twist, the only things we'll buy with our financial windfall will be racehorses and stupid pants.
 
We never learn... :(


P.S. Be sure to read Bitter Marie's comment (below). It actually took only one day for the first insane-blog-post-to-reality coincidence to occur.

Our Favorite Body Part - LOL

Straight Outta Oakland (OR - Please Dre, Don't Hurt Me)

The 2-2 post-bye week Browns 
are in Oakland today to face the 3-2 Raiders!


I had to double check that they are indeed still in Oakland and did not sneak back to L.A. when I wasn't looking. It always confuses me. How weird is it that L.A. went from having both the Rams and the Raiders to a combined zero NFL teams?! 

Honestly, I'm a little worried about our guys being on their turf !

RAIDERS FANS ARE SCARRRRY!!!

N.W.A.: 
Straight Outta Compton, yo. Dr. Dre - such a badass AND a label whore. 
He was even wearing a matching logo belt. Hahahahaha. 
Well Dre, if you want me to "Guess", then I "Guess" you are a dork.

[Just kidding!!! Please don't bust a cap in my ass. We joke here. 

That's our job. Just little jokey jokes. #pleaselaugh]

Wonder who N.W.A. would have identified with if the Raiders

hadn't been in L.A. in the early 90's...

You have to admit those colors and that logo are 

actually pretty awesome.

Hey, maybe they would have been Rams fans!!!

Wow, SERIOUSLY??? That's not gay at all. 
I especially like the guy in the middle who appears to be miming
"moose antlers" and the mullet on the right who seems to be gripping 
the wheel of an imaginary school bus. Ironically, that's his job now.*

(*Educated guess.)

These fans are way scarier than N.W.A. but far less so than 
the  L.A. Rams of "LET'S RAM IT!" fame.
(No comment about The Black Hole - this blog is rated PG. 
Except to say blondie appears to be pointing up at the Rams. Shhhh.)

Note: This post began with me trying to think of some 
famous people from The Oaktown and all I could

could come up with is MC Hammer.


Then it went a little haywire.

I apologize.

Hey Hammer, you weren't "hurt"ing anyone besides legitimate rap music. 

Dre should've kicked his ass - NOT MINE! - and loaned him some of his 
early 90's Claudia Schiffer Guess wardrobe. Because you just KNOW 
he was wearing exceedingly stupid poofy pants below that spiffy suit jacket. 

Because hate has no bye week