Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
This lead to a whole series of thoughts, including the "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" song from Southpark running constantly in my mind. And when both Brian and the Browns are running around in my head (Actually Brian is skating, the Browns aren't doing much of anything) I decide to go all Weird Al Yankovic again and rewrite the lyrics. So without further ado, I present:
WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO - BROWNS REMIX
What would Brian Boitano do, if he took the field today
He'd have a game plan and see it through
That's what Brian Boitano'd do
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics, skating for the gold
He ruled the ice, no looking back
Under pressure did not fold
When Brian Boitano became a pro, he could've gone the easy route
But he pushed himself to greater heights
Hard work's what he's about.
So what would Brian Boitano do, if he were here today
He'd kick a Steelers ass or two
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.
I want our Browns to stop and see - they've stunted their pop-u-lar-i-ty...
And I just want my team - to start ACTING like a TEAM...
What would Brian Boitano do? He'd call the coaches up
and tell them their jobs he could do
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.
When Brian Boitano got past the age, when most skaters retire
He kept going like an Energizer bunny, his moves are still on fire.
And when Brian Boitano has to up his game - it's pure class all the way...
Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody (especially the Rams)
So Browns, get it together, and unite to stop the boos
Pull your heads out of your asses
Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do.
Save Cleveland, shut down the Factory of Sadness too...THAT'S what Brian Boitano'd do.
Feel free to substitute the Bengals in this song, since that's who we're playing...but the Steelers just sounded right.
Brian can play for us anytime. If he can do this, you KNOW he wouldn't fumble the football.
And there's no doubt he has amazing balance.
So what do you say, Brian? Come play for the Browns...you're in better shape than most of the guys on our team that are in their 20's. (You know, the ones trying to pass themselves off as professional football players.) And you could teach me and the rest of the Bitter Chicks to make that Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie - which I know also kicks ass!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Pay close attention. These men are world class figure skating champions, ready for action on the field- um, ice. Yes, they are skating in these uniforms, pads and all.
Brian Boitano, 1988 Olympic Gold Medalist, hosts his Skating Spectacular every year, and this time it's in South Bend, Indiana. As an homage to the Notre Dame fans, Brian (far right) and his friends (left to right) Michael Weiss, Ryan Bradley, and Steven Cousins suited up for a fun football routine.
This got me thinking...since watching Brian skate on TV a couple of weeks ago got me through a rough day which included a really embarrassing Browns loss, maybe he and the guys could help the team out. Just swap out the ND colors for orange and brown and they're good to go. They can even leave their skates on, since the way this season is going they would be much more efficient running the field in skates than our Brownies are in their cleats.
Here's a big plus: these men are true athletes. They can jump like nobody's business, have tremendous stamina and endurance...plus they really care about being their best. Now THAT'S a lesson they can teach the Browns, who most of the time look like they don't even want to be there. No matter what Brian, Michael, Ryan, and Steven do, they give it their all. That can't be said for our football team.
So what do you say, guys? We could REALLY use you here in Cleveland! And thanks to Mike and Brian for posting the photo, which of course got my creative juices flowing!
Marie Cauley is not only passionate about writing and dance, but she's been wild about skating for years. Now if only she could lace up and take the ice without falling on her face! She can't wait to watch Brian Boitano's Skating Spectacular when it airs on December 18th...by which time the Browns season will be LONG over.
Monday, November 21, 2011
to have headphones attached to the sides. I'm sure those are
supposed to be holes. But I choose to see them as headphones and
I'm the one writing the post.
would have been well protected. Or he could go to work on the
Medical Mart construction site. Either way, no brain trauma. Yay!
wants the look of a hairy beast without the awful stench. If he were taller,
Paul Bunyan jokes would be A-OK.
give him some kind of a purpose besides standing around on the sidelines.
(Confidential to PH#40: You're far less of a "babe" when you're not
suited up and helping us win out there. FYI.)
Bonus: Insist everyone call you "Dame Pat" when wearing
your fancy hat. Also have tea and crumpets on the sidelines
instead of the usual un-regal Gatorade.
Santa can't guarantee either. His only guarantee is cookie munchery.
Because bitterness loves company.!
Check out my next (more serious) piece about why Pat Shurmur's tenure with the Browns
may turn legitimately bitter...and why I don't want it to.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
The truth is - we absolutely suck. But we as fans have not a single ounce of power to
turn around the fortunes of this team.
Kristen Kaleal is a professional wardrobe stylist who wishes she could make over the Browns' closets and take them shopping. And by "closets", she means offense. And by "shopping", she means buy Cleveland a whole new NFL team.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Unfortunately, I did this via text to the friend who told me how to unlock the emoji emoticon keyboard on the iPhone 4S and probably regrets that now.
As you can see, my pent-up aggression really boils over when I suggest throwing snakes at the team and recommend that Hillis go back to the farm (I have no idea if he even lived on a farm - just assuming everyone in Arkansas does) or enroll in manicure school.
Here is part of the discussion. My texts/iMessages are in blue. Note: there is only a limited number of icons, so one is forced to get creative with his or her Browns anger.
After yesterday's game and my bleak outlook on the rest of the season, I think a whole new set of morbid and angry emoji icons will be needed. Allow me to make a few suggestions:
Friday, November 4, 2011
(HINT: The chick on the left if you live under a rock.)
|"If you put us all together, you get Cousin Itt."|
I think he may be the fourth Kardashian sister.
without further ado....
Bitter Orange & Brown is thrilled to introduce...