The Secret Santa Who Never Gave Up

My dad used to have this habit of putting presents under the Christmas tree to us from a supposed Cleveland Browns player.  One year, when I didn’t like the Cleveland Browns quarterback Vinny Testaverde very much, I opened up a present that read To: Kristi, From: Vinny, with the notation to “Please like me?”

Through the years,  as Dad chuckled in the background, I was the recipient of bright orange sweatshirts, ornaments, bumper stickers, posters of Brian Sipe and Bernie Kosar, and glasses from imposter coaches I had been angry with that year. In a blatant attempt to get me to like them, I got gifts from a fake Sam Rutigliano, Marty Shottenheimer, Bill Belicheck, and even The Devil himself before he became the Traitor (I refuse to print his name or show his picture, but it’s the pirate who hijacked the Browns and traipsed them across state lines, quite likely a Federal offense, where they were renamed the Flying Rats.)

Though I don’t remember the actual gifts, I remember the tag in my dad's handwriting, masquerading as a Browns player or coach pleading for approval. I remember the years he gave us tickets to a Cleveland Stadium game and bought us hot dogs with Stadium Mustard. (After we hit 21, then he would include a beer in the food distribution.) I remember the years we got Bubba Baker's Barbeque Sauce as a present, and that last year when we received Browns cookbooks from whoever the rotating coach was.

Dad was happiest when surrounded by his family and friends, cheering a team that…has never been to the Super Bowl. He showed us to never give up, despite what the scoreboard said. There’s something about rooting for the perpetual underdog in this city we love which exists on a frozen tundra in the winter.

My dad never saw a Super Bowl. He had seasons tickets at the end--a life's goal for him which he had earned and achieved the hard way--and he dwelt optimistically within #TheFactoryofSadness (he would've laughed his Browns socks off at that clip.) We lost Dad to melanoma, something more evil than ole what's-his-name. The loss is deep and visceral,  worse than the ugliest Steelers game at Christmastime that you can remember.

So I choose not to go there, and instead what I will remember are those pleading nametags under the tree, from a father who taught his daughter all about loyalty and laughter, via the Cleveland Browns.

Think About It, Browns...What Would Brian Boitano Do?

If you read my previous post, you know there are four men ready and able to take over for the Browns, even if they still have their skates on.


This lead to a whole series of thoughts, including the "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" song from Southpark running constantly in my mind. And when both Brian and the Browns are running around in my head (Actually Brian is skating, the Browns aren't doing much of anything) I decide to go all Weird Al Yankovic again and rewrite the lyrics. So without further ado, I present:

WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO - BROWNS REMIX

What would Brian Boitano do, if he took the field today

He'd have a game plan and see it through

That's what Brian Boitano'd do

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics, skating for the gold

He ruled the ice, no looking back

Under pressure did not fold

When Brian Boitano became a pro, he could've gone the easy route

But he pushed himself to greater heights

Hard work's what he's about.

So what would Brian Boitano do, if he were here today

He'd kick a Steelers ass or two

That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

I want our Browns to stop and see - they've stunted their pop-u-lar-i-ty...

And I just want my team - to start ACTING like a TEAM...

What would Brian Boitano do? He'd call the coaches up

and tell them their jobs he could do

That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

When Brian Boitano got past the age, when most skaters retire

He kept going like an Energizer bunny, his moves are still on fire.

And when Brian Boitano has to up his game - it's pure class all the way...

Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody (especially the Rams)

So Browns, get it together, and unite to stop the boos

Pull your heads out of your asses

Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do.

Save Cleveland, shut down the Factory of Sadness too...THAT'S what Brian Boitano'd do.

Feel free to substitute the Bengals in this song, since that's who we're playing...but the Steelers just sounded right.

Brian can play for us anytime. If he can do this, you KNOW he wouldn't fumble the football.

And there's no doubt he has amazing balance.

So what do you say, Brian? Come play for the Browns...you're in better shape than most of the guys on our team that are in their 20's. (You know, the ones trying to pass themselves off as professional football players.) And you could teach me and the rest of the Bitter Chicks to make that Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie - which I know also kicks ass!

Meet The Browns Replacement Team!

I know we're coming off a Browns win...but it was really ugly, so they definitely still need a lot of help.

I have just the right men for the job:

Pay close attention. These men are world class figure skating champions, ready for action on the field- um, ice. Yes, they are skating in these uniforms, pads and all.

Brian Boitano, 1988 Olympic Gold Medalist, hosts his Skating Spectacular every year, and this time it's in South Bend, Indiana. As an homage to the Notre Dame fans, Brian (far right) and his friends (left to right) Michael Weiss, Ryan Bradley, and Steven Cousins suited up for a fun football routine.

This got me thinking...since watching Brian skate on TV a couple of weeks ago got me through a rough day which included a really embarrassing Browns loss, maybe he and the guys could help the team out. Just swap out the ND colors for orange and brown and they're good to go. They can even leave their skates on, since the way this season is going they would be much more efficient running the field in skates than our Brownies are in their cleats.

Here's a big plus: these men are true athletes. They can jump like nobody's business, have tremendous stamina and endurance...plus they really care about being their best. Now THAT'S a lesson they can teach the Browns, who most of the time look like they don't even want to be there. No matter what Brian, Michael, Ryan, and Steven do, they give it their all. That can't be said for our football team.

So what do you say, guys? We could REALLY use you here in Cleveland! And thanks to Mike and Brian for posting the photo, which of course got my creative juices flowing!

Marie Cauley is not only passionate about writing and dance, but she's been wild about skating for years. Now if only she could lace up and take the ice without falling on her face! She can't wait to watch Brian Boitano's Skating Spectacular when it airs on December 18th...by which time the Browns season will be LONG over.

Hats off to you, Browns!

But you keep yours on, Pat Shurmur

Silly Browns! You had us thinking another loss was in the cards yesterday. But you pulled out a very weird win over the Jaguars, which, if you're keeping track out there, is technically better than a weird loss but not as good as actually playing and/or coaching great football, which you are technically being paid to do.

To my knowledge, this is the first time Coach Shurmur wore a hat on the Browns sidelines. And naturally, a lot of people are crediting the hat for the team's luck in sneaking out of there with a W - because we're Cleveland sports fans and we're naturally (and usually rightfully) superstitious. (See the Curse of Rocky Colavito if you have any questions.)

Is it a magic hat? Perhaps. But I would like to take a stand that it's not the hat so much as the top of Shurm's noggin must be evil and thus covering it somehow makes the Browns pull out a win instead of their usual pitiful loss.

Oh yes, and if you're thinking I'm going to suggest alternative coverings for Shurmur's potentially evil head, you are right. 

So get ready... 

OK....ready now??? Here goes...

Sweet Little Shurmur

Awwww so snuggly and soft. And look, it already appears
to have headphones attached to the sides. I'm sure those are
supposed to be holes. But I choose to see them as headphones and
I'm the one writing the post.

Hardhat Hard@$$

If there had been another Bottlegate incident, Coach Shurmur's sensitive skull
would have been well protected. Or he could go to work on the
Medical Mart construction site. Either way, no brain trauma. Yay!

Bearded Lady

No beard? No problem! Perfect for No Shave November if  Pat
wants the look of a hairy beast without the awful stench. If he were taller,
Paul Bunyan jokes would be A-OK. 

Just paint Peyton Hillis blue and call him "Babe". At least that would
give him some kind of a purpose besides standing around on the sidelines.
(Confidential to PH#40: You're far less of a "babe" when you're not
suited up and helping us win out there. FYI.)

Royal Wedding

Channel your inner Kate Middleton with a crazy orange fascinator!
Bonus: Insist everyone call you "Dame Pat" when wearing
your fancy hat. Also have tea and crumpets on the sidelines
instead of the usual un-regal Gatorade. 

Santa Shurmur

The main problem with this is you'll get fed up with everyone asking 

Santa to bring the Browns a win. (Or even more outlandish - a Super Bowl.)
Santa can't guarantee either. His only guarantee is cookie munchery.

Join us!

Heck yeah, Coach Shurmur. We want you to be bitter too.
Because bitterness loves company.!


Check out my next (more serious) piece about why Pat Shurmur's tenure with the Browns
may turn legitimately bitter...and why I don't want it to.

An Official Letter from the Cleveland Browns

Imagine our surprise at Bitter HQ when we received a basket of moldy fruit 

and this letter from the Browns...

#OccupyBerea

So. I've heard that the Cleveland Browns aren't too good at this whole "football" thing.

We hear it from everyone - the media, the interwebz, the annoying guy in the next cubicle who thinks the whole thing is a grand conspiracy against Cleveland masterminded by the Obama administration. 

The truth is - we absolutely suck. But we as fans have not a single ounce of power to
turn around the fortunes of this team.

Or do we?

I am a control freak at times and feeling powerless is not in my nature. I stormed out of a Brownie meeting in third grade and never looked back. I have never wanted to be at the mercy of evil scout troop leaders, teachers, or even my parents. And I REFUSE to be at the mercy of Mike Holmgren and his cavalcade of football clowns. 

In other words, I am prepared to storm out of THIS Brownie meeting.

I'm starting a movement of epic proportions to make this team better. Or at least waste a lot of people's time and vast government resources.

BROWNS FANS, it’s time to band together and

UNIONIZE this Factory of Sadness. 

Here are some of my ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

1) Brown-Out 2011

Browns fans STAY HOME! Don’t attend home games, watch or listen to them.  Don’t buy Browns merchandise. If someone talks about the Browns, carry duct tape around with you and put it over their mouth. Brown is a bad word. If your last name is Brown, change it. Treat the team as if they are Lord Voldemort.

2) Mutiny on the Brown-ty

Use a clever ruse to trick the team, coaches and front office into a trip on the Good Time III. Ensure it is not a good time by throwing them overboard. Not to be too cruel, we’ll make sure the shoreline is within sight. But just having to swim through that cold, nasty green water filled with floating dead fish will send a message. I’m not quite sure what that message is, but we sure will send it.

3) Million Fan March

Organize a million people who used to be fans or are currently massively P.O.’d at the Browns. I’m sure you won’t have to look too hard. Break through the gates in Berea and march onto the practice field. Bring your dogs. Clean-up bags and pooper scoopers will be immediately confiscated and any attempts to sneak them in will be met with an absurdly high fine. Next, march over to the field house and to the executive offices. Find Holmgren, Heckert & Shurmur. Let your dogs bark, bite, snarl or growl at or lick them until it hurts.

4) Snack Attack

Throw Flamin’ Hot Cheetos at the Browns and coaches. At best, the flying snacks will annoy and antagonize them. At worst, the cheesy coating will get in their eyes and slightly burn them until rinsed with water by the training staff.

5) Sneak Snack Attack

Hide in the bushes or behind the bleachers or giant Gatorade bucket. Jump out at players and coaches. Do #4. It will gently startle them. You will laugh at their surprised expressions. And that will make them feel kind of bad for a few seconds.

6) #OccupyBerea

Be the 99% who are angry about this team. March around. Stage a sit in. Sing folk songs. Make silly signs with related hashtags such as #OccupyMikeHolmgrensWinnebago and #OccupyShurmursPantry. You don’t have to be political. Just have fun.

7) Vigilante Justice

Warehouse District valet by day. Browns vigilante by night.

Get bitten by a radioactive bug. Get super powers. Make a very tight spandex costume. Wear said costume under your valet uniform. “Get even” with Browns players and coaches by beating them up outside their favorite hangouts such as XO Prime Steaks and the Barley House. Then go get their car.

8) Comedy

If all else fails, make ‘em laugh. Convince Randy Lerner that what this team needs is some FUNNY! Use Lerner money to hire Tyler Perry (I heard he’s supposed to be funny or something) to do a new sitcom called "Beat the Browns". The title has a dual meaning. And dual meanings are FUNNY. See, every team out there can BEAT the Browns. And we can also BEAT the Browns by using #7. Boldly suggest Tyler Perry play all the parts to keep costs down. It will be especially hilarious to see Madea as bumbling Coach Pat Shurmur.

How would YOU like to BEAT the Browns?

Kristen Kaleal is a professional wardrobe stylist who wishes she could make over the Browns' closets and take them shopping. And by "closets", she means offense. And by "shopping", she means buy Cleveland a whole new NFL team.

Browns frustration: Graphically portrayed

It was in the wee hours of November 1st when my aggravation about the team came to a head and I angrily let loose on the Browns with reckless abandon.

Unfortunately, I did this via text to the friend who told me how to unlock the emoji emoticon keyboard on the iPhone 4S and probably regrets that now.

As you can see, my pent-up aggression really boils over when I suggest throwing snakes at the team and recommend that Hillis go back to the farm (I have no idea if he even lived on a farm - just assuming everyone in Arkansas does) or enroll in manicure school.

Here is part of the discussion. My texts/iMessages are in blue. Note: there is only a limited number of icons, so one is forced to get creative with his or her Browns anger.

After yesterday's game and my bleak outlook on the rest of the season, I think a whole new set of morbid and angry emoji icons will be needed. Allow me to make a few suggestions:

Meet the newest star of CL-E!-ality TV

Recently, Peyton Hillis has been through...

a product launch, 

a wedding,

personal and professional drama, 

public ill will, 

controversy,

and glaringly bad media attention. 

 Remind you of anyone else????

(HINT: The chick on the left if you live under a rock.)

"If you put us all together, you get Cousin Itt."

I think he may be the fourth Kardashian sister. 

SOOOO.....

without further ado....

Bitter Orange & Brown is thrilled to introduce...

I'm sexy! Check out my extra pouty lips!

The bad news, Keyton, is that I think your mom Kris 

is quite a wampus cat.

The good news is we'll invite you to our next event at the MAC store!