Is it Getting Draft-y in Here?

DISCLAIMER(S):

1)      If you’ve come to this site looking for real actual NFL draft analysis, you’ve come to the wrong place.

2)      If you’ve come here looking for beer on tap (i.e., “draft” beer), the place you are looking for is called a “bar” and this is not one. This is a “blog” (term used loosely).

3)      If you’ve come here looking for a blog post that will possibly eventually be about pro football after multiple disclaimers, then DING DING DING we have a winner!

Instead of providing more speculation and gobbledygook about whose name will ultimately be called #4 overall two weeks from today, I’ve decided to evaluate our realistic draft choices based on stupid stuff that only sort of pertains to my life.

Because the Browns have *SOOOOOO* much confidence in Colt McCoy as our starting quarterback, they may be planning to capture one with their first pick in the draft. Since Luck and RG3 are already spoken for, next on the quality list is supposedly Ryan Tannehill (Texas A&M).

I like the idea of picking up a quarterback mainly because I love the movie The Royal Tenenbaums and Ryan Tannehill's name reminds me of it. Colt McCoy’s name never reminded me of any movies I like. If his name were Colt McNotting Hill or Colt McAny Scorsese Movie, I would totally be the one person begging Holmgren and Heckert to keep him around. But, alas, it sucks to be Colt. And not so ironically, Colt sucks. 

Looks like Tannehill is auditioning for the role of "honorary Tenenbaum" Eli Cash (Owen Wilson, right). In a related note, a former classmate of mine has two little boys 

named Luke and Owen. It was only semi-deliberate.

 

I can’t be the only one who thinks of rocker Trent Reznor when sports talk radio guys mention the running back from Alabama, Trent Richardson. Funny story – I met his almost namesake, the future Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, at a flower shop in Wickliffe, Ohio when I was a junior in high school. He wasn't famous yet and some of his friends worked there. He was pretty quiet and freaky. Emo before his time.

What did we call emo people back then? Goth? That sounds about right. 

Look at those guys. Two badasses. Now look below. Trent Reznor is workin’ for The Man. Winning Oscars, wearing a penguin suit. He’s joined the establishment. If there was a ‘Dislike’ button on this post, I would use it now.

(I’m sure if there *were* a Dislike button on this post, you probably would’ve used it 

when you found out it wasn’t about beer. )

Back in the 1980’s, Spike Lee directed and starred in a series of Nike commercials with Michael Jordan. In these commercials, Lee played a character named Mars Blackmon. Every time I hear Oklahoma State wide receiver Justin Blackmon’s name, I go back to those distant memories and wonder if that’s the last time Spike Lee had a sense of humor about himself.

And finally, please allow me to throw myself on the mercy of the Browns organization and plead with them not to draft my sounds-alike surname buddy Matt Kalil, the offensive tackle from USC. First of all, you already have Joe Thomas and second of all, you already have me! And I am blonde and easily confused by the sports talk hosts discussing this guy. For a moment, I think they may have finally caught onto the Bitter Orange & Brown juggernaut (!!!!), but they’re actually just interested in some draft prospect who looks like he’s hiding a tennis ball in his upper gumline. Let me tell you – THIS Kaleal wouldn’t do that. Because she has class. And TMJ.

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So, Browns fans, based on this expert-among-experts draft analysis (suck it, Mel Kiper and your scary Dracula hair), who do you think the Browns should pick at #4? The eccentric movie family at QB, the wussy washed-up former rocker-turned-soundtrack-writer running back, once-funny Nike pitchman Spike Lee at wide receiver, or yours truly, BitterKK (most certainly *without* tennis ball mouth) at OT?