The Worst Thing I've Ever Seen

 

An innocent trip to the mall turned into a waking nightmare when we encountered 

THIS UNHOLY ABOMINATION in the parking lot.

Like a CSI working a crime scene, I grabbed my camera and began circling the unfortunate victim, documenting in detail every nuance of the brazen assault on this vehicle.

It's not as if the poor Pontiac Sunfire rolled off the assembly line in 1998 or so and

expected to be used and abused and eventually discarded like a pile 

of black and gold trash in a parking lot.

What kind of a sick and twisted person does this to an innocent vehicle???

The kind who should be locked up behind bars, that's who. 

Or at least forced to return to the Pitt they crawled out of. 

Found some of Big Ben's DNA. No surprise there, really.

But the saddest part was when I looked inside the car and saw a pink baby seat.

People, you can do unspeakable harm to yourselves by wearing Steelers garb

and acting like total jerks most of the time. Hell, you can even deck your

crappy old car out in your team colors if it suits your fancy. Just know that it's eventually

going to incite violence, if it hasn't already, or end up spray painted with an orange

"GO BROWNS!!!!!" 

Which just might be in Bitter KK's frilly, overblown handwriting. Just sayin'.

And that's why there are laws which protect against self-incrimination. 

But based on the license plate, these people have chosen to raise their baby in Ohio.

 Among Browns fans. I firmly believe that they should allow their child to make 

its own life choices and not ruin the next generation with their inherent trashiness, 

obnoxiousness and penchant for driving old cars which are 

SPRAY PAINTED (yes!) black and gold.

 

Now, let me tell you something you may not know- 

my deductive reasoning skills rival those of Sherlock Holmes himself
(or the famed Belgian sleuth Hercule Poirot, if you're an 

Agatha Christie fan). 

Soooo...I can say with a fair amount of certainty 

(and by "certainty", I mean "utter stupidity") that the

guilty party in the assault on this car is none other than.....

(DUN DUN DUN!!!!!)

The sinister auto painting mogul Earl Scheib!

"I'll deface your old jalopy in any colors - as long as they're black and gold."